6th Avenue Heartache: the wallflowers
“the same black line that was drawn on you, was drawn on me, then now it’s drawn to you”
/ / /
Where do these questions sound familiar:
What is it about them?
What is so alluring, why do they draw me in?
Have I spent too long thinking about them before actually getting to know them? Why isn’t this what I expected?
Do I even really want this? Are I ready to commit, now that I’m in it?
How vulnerable can I be? Is the risk worth the reward?
Attraction and interest is such a fun topic that we narrow discussion around to people and sex very quickly. But there is romance and draw and flirtation so many things!
I was thinking this morning about being drawn to an activity or way to spend your time. I use analogies to try and think through things all the time which can make my writing a little too abstract and heady and then sloppy, but I’ll try to get this out without too much spiraling or editing.
The way we can be interested in a partner can have a lot of parallels with the way we can be interested in an activity. Good news is that with hobbies, you have WAY lower odds of rejection :) but success in a lot of endeavours, or in getting deep enjoyment from any kind of activity, involves a degree of surrender and vulnerability that leaves us exposed. The way you find richness in connection, with the picture you are shading, the rapture you find in a book, the energetic high that a game or sport might bring you, comes with being wholly in it. So rewarding! That’s the fruit of life!
I think I’ve been reawakening an awareness of this as I sink in deeper to things I’ve been more restrained with previously. In adulthood, we’re (ideally) able to choose what spaces to be in, what environments are comfortable for us. There can be less of the evaluation and criticism that kids still go through; youth and exploration can be so harsh when you’re learning. As an adult, we can decide to begin or reengage with a hobby, and I think in doing that at all we’re brave being and vulnerable.
The relationship with what you are doing, the pleasure you derive from it, is going to be complex and change. At the start it might be a lot of work. It might be a lot of work all the time but you enjoy it enough that it’s worthwhile. You might learn more about yourself through it. There might be dips or lulls. You might need a break and then be drawn back in again. There might be a point where it’s not working for you anymore and stopping is the best thing. There might be a long, warm, rewarding experience from it. There’s a lot of possibility that comes with being involved with something.
There are a lot of unknowns for the future, just like with anything else.
Hopefully recognizing that there’s a plunge, there might be critique, there might be an awkward start, that it can be as public or private as you want, will help you chew over some things too. What do we want to do and what’s the reason we aren’t going there? Is that the right decision for now or are we scared? I’ve been afraid to draw even people people will never see it, but I’ll only enjoy the times I try if I let myself be in it and stop thinking about all you, the ones who aren’t there or judging anyway. Phantoms of my critical past are gone and no one is that concerned, honestly.