The curve to better
I hate when you know the reasoning behind a bad habit but still struggle with the act. If I know what’s happening, and why it’s happening, can’t I move more quickly and stop it or substitute something new? I know how the sausage is made, so can’t I halt production? I should at least make a vegetarian alternative. Where’s the lever or off switch?
It seems unfair to see the train pull out of the station and not get to pull the break. Am I too weak to stop it, or am I too lazy to put in the effort and make change? Am I too critical and wanting to rush the work? I’m so tired. It feels like I’ve been putting in the work for so long now. I don’t want to do it half the time, but I also know it’s a big part of how I feel okay wandering this fall, through a pandemic and through everything else that’s happening to me this year.
It feels gross and comforting to have universals applied to yourself. “It gets worse before it gets better.” Great, how much? Am I in the worse or better part? Can you give me a chart to see where I land on the curve? I’m an addict for a roadmap, project manager and control freak in chief reporting for duty. I was so good when I was getting paid for filing myself down and the highly refined system by which I did it (and a 1500 person conference, twice).
It feels stupid to say that I miss a keyboard sometimes, I miss getting up to a desk but struggle to get myself up and to the desk. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do the daily things that others go through motions, begrudgingly or not, without weeping and leaning into my spouse’s shoulder, stopping him from going through them too.
I had a moment recently where I can’t unhear something. I won’t be able to stop thinking it, having it intrude my current reflection, my memories, the way I sort laundry, overstock the 3 shoeboxes that make up my medicine cabinet of miscellaneous needs, accept open wounds on the backs of my heels, S-bend in a large chair, or plan a day. I don’t know if I’m in the steep part of the curve or the lull yet, and I don’t know if it’s symmetrical or how long it’ll take to climb out. I want this to pass without wishing time or luck away. I promise, even if we adjust next post, an estimation will help me determine some series of actions to get us to next week’s work. That’s why everyone claims it’s productive to break things down, right? This is productive. Two points.